So as a distraction from the fact
I’ve decided to move back to London, which means I’m currently unemployed, I’ve
decided to get fit. Well I say fit, what I mean to say in fitter. So I’ve
changed my “eating habits”, that’s what they call it in weight loss classes, and
I’m getting my fruit and veg in. Making conscious decisions about what I’m eating.
Then last week I thought, it’s time to get into the fitness side of things. Do
some exercise and get my heart rate up, in a different way to just running
around after my nephew. Which up until two weeks ago I thought was quite an
easy task to carry out, but that kid, just, doesn’t, stop, and as result of this
he doesn’t want anyone else to stop moving either.
Last week then I bought an
exercise DVD, one of those Now Dance ones. I thought to ease myself into it;
one of those would be the best. Just like being out with your mates I assumed.
Hopefully minus the falling over, and without a drink in hand. Not even. These
chicks, plus two guys, are poppin’ and lockin’ all over the place looking fit
and energetic and obviously on cocaine, or some other narcotic. Then there I am
a little less elegant and a little more than a lot frumpier struggling to keep
up with these dance moves that belong in STEP UP 1 through 4. (I don’t watch
them for the storyline, just for the dance moves honest!)I mean I looked
ridiculous. I learned a lot about myself though. I’m a lot less fit than I
could ever have imagined. I have little if no co-ordination when following
routines, and if I look as bad as I do dancing when I’m out as I do following
these routines then the future of pulling relies on me staying very still.
I stick with the DVD anyway, and
start chatting to my friend Angie. She also wants to up her fitness so we
decide to take a class. That brings us right up to this evening. I get my gear
on, and meet her at the Leisure Centre ready to try Circuits. I understood from
what people have said in the past that circuits could be a bit intense, but I
assumed you could just go at your own pace. No, no, no. Little did I know that
Satan himself ran the class and I had walked into the one of the layers of
hell!
We began with jogging, then changing
direction, then squats, star jumps, jogging, star jumps, suicides. This
continued for only ten minutes, but it felt like an hour had passed. I was sweating
and breathless and we were still in the warm up. This was going to be tough.
Then it was time to begin the circuits. Breathless in Caterham, Angie and I
began the stations, and we attacked that shit. We were sprinting, and punching,
dipping, diving, nailing squats and lifts, and we even did this one thing when
you had to jump over a horse. I wouldn’t say I nailed it so much as I hit the
spring board over shot the horse and landed on the blue safety mat. Staring up
at the ceiling I flashed back to my days of gymnastics in school. Same situation really except in this scenario
I had a bald guy named Steve shouting at me to get off my ass. RUDE!
This caused a sequence of events.
My gymnastic fail led to Steve keeping a close eye on me and Angie, following
us to work harder, do better, and “at least look like we’re working out”. Did I
mention he was quite rude? Then the real
pain began. You could see the sheer pleasure in his face as he whipped our
chunky butts into shape, and if this wasn’t bad enough the next station we
faced difficulty with concerned two giant blue balls. I believe these devil tools
are called Swiss balls. The task was to get onto the ball, roll over it until
your hands are on the floor, and then do a push ups. Easy. Easy Steve says.
Man, I gotta say, I did not look good ladies. Does anyone remember those
Ferret things that are attached to the ball that you roll around? I wish I’d looked
as good as that! Yeah that guy below! I looked worse than road kill being thrown around. Not an easy task!
Looking at the clock I saw that
it was coming to the end and as we finished up I was excited for the cool down.
Wipe my sweaty little red face, and take a bucket load of water over me. We
spread around the hall, and began “Finishing Exercises”. What? Where was my cool down? Now, if you know
about that video “Insanity”, with the crazy guy who works grown massive men so
hard that they cry, this is what we had to do before we could cool down. Those
who don’t know this YOUTUBE “Grown man cries after Insanity”. This was how
Steve thought we should finish up. Steve is crazy, but, I survived. Yes! Give me
a clap, and pass me my medal. What? I don’t get a medal. Shame. What you do get
though is a little meeting and socialise up the pub after your work out, just
squash though, but nice all the same.
In the car on the way home, I was
shocked to realise that not only looking back did I enjoy my crazy intense
pushy Steve wok out, but I was looking forward to getting back to it again on
Thursday. So that’s me now. Three days a week, tears and tantrums, but
eventually I will be fit.....er!
