There are certain times in everyone’s life where I think a
series of events leads you to start playing Damian Rice’s album in your head.
You begin to imagine you’re walking down the street in a sort of slow motion caption.
I think I've spent a large portion of my 27 years doing this, and I really am
not sure when it’s going to stop, because I don’t know how to make it stop. I
want to be that person who shakes it off, and doesn't let it get to her, but I’m
not that person. Things affect me, and they affect me deeply. This doesn't make
me overly emotional, dramatic or intelligent, or even deep. It just makes me
prone to gravitate towards negativity, and then just dwell there.
2013 began very well, I remember being really happy, and
content. Then again I think I was also on drugs, which could be the reason for
the euphoria. There were also fairground rides which I have always been very
fond of, and Abba. There was also Abba, which is another favorite of mine.
Family. There was family, and alcohol. So adding all these into the equation,
this could be the reason for me remembering the beginning of 2013 being so
good. When just 5 days into it I’d hit rock bottom. Considering we are now in
February, there has been a dramatic change of events in these last 6 weeks or
so.
I have not been on my own for a while. In fact since hitting
the age where you discover boys, the percentage I have been alone is small. In
12 years I have spent just under two years on my own, not in a relationship. So
at 27, which is the time I feel like I should be settling and getting my own
place, and knowing who I want to be with, and what I want to do, I’m starting
again. I don’t really know where I’m heading, but I think I feel calm about it.
So many people in my job ask me, “is this what you want to
do then?” I have to say that I still don’t know, and I’m not even sure I will
ever know. I’m not saying that I want to go on a journey of self discovery and
do eat, prey, love. I just want to finally know who I am on my own because I
think right now I don’t really have a clue. Please tell me no one does,
otherwise I’m up shit creek! What I do know though is that I’m probably going
to have to say yes to a lot more experiences in order to find out what I like
and what I don’t like, and maybe that will be fun. Maybe that’s also what I’ll
need to get through this, and then maybe Damian Rice will stop playing in my
fucking head!
