On My Own and it's OK I Guess

There are certain times in everyone’s life where I think a series of events leads you to start playing Damian Rice’s album in your head. You begin to imagine you’re walking down the street in a sort of slow motion caption. I think I've spent a large portion of my 27 years doing this, and I really am not sure when it’s going to stop, because I don’t know how to make it stop. I want to be that person who shakes it off, and doesn't let it get to her, but I’m not that person. Things affect me, and they affect me deeply. This doesn't make me overly emotional, dramatic or intelligent, or even deep. It just makes me prone to gravitate towards negativity, and then just dwell there.

2013 began very well, I remember being really happy, and content. Then again I think I was also on drugs, which could be the reason for the euphoria. There were also fairground rides which I have always been very fond of, and Abba. There was also Abba, which is another favorite of mine. Family. There was family, and alcohol. So adding all these into the equation, this could be the reason for me remembering the beginning of 2013 being so good. When just 5 days into it I’d hit rock bottom. Considering we are now in February, there has been a dramatic change of events in these last 6 weeks or so.

I have not been on my own for a while. In fact since hitting the age where you discover boys, the percentage I have been alone is small. In 12 years I have spent just under two years on my own, not in a relationship. So at 27, which is the time I feel like I should be settling and getting my own place, and knowing who I want to be with, and what I want to do, I’m starting again. I don’t really know where I’m heading, but I think I feel calm about it.

So many people in my job ask me, “is this what you want to do then?” I have to say that I still don’t know, and I’m not even sure I will ever know. I’m not saying that I want to go on a journey of self discovery and do eat, prey, love. I just want to finally know who I am on my own because I think right now I don’t really have a clue. Please tell me no one does, otherwise I’m up shit creek! What I do know though is that I’m probably going to have to say yes to a lot more experiences in order to find out what I like and what I don’t like, and maybe that will be fun. Maybe that’s also what I’ll need to get through this, and then maybe Damian Rice will stop playing in my fucking head!